Waiting for Life to Slow Down

I know it's been a long time since I've posted. Lots of reasons, but the main thing is that we're waiting for me to complete my student teaching, which is taking me out of the home full-time.

For obvious reasons, my being out of the home is not conducive to a good adoption transition.

I'll walk in my graduation ceremony next weekend at Concordia in Portland. It will have officially taken 6 years for me to complete my 2-year masters program! Ah well, I will be finished with student teaching Jan 15 and then... who knows!

Thanks to all of you who are keeping watch enough to write and ask what's happening. We hope things will take a more definite path in the coming year.

We'll certainly be sure to let you all know our progress.

Happy holidays to all.

The Waiting...

So I'll probably be able to speak on this with much more authority later, but I'm finding some of the thoughts about adopting to be similar to pregnancy and fertility thoughts.
I took the kids to the aquarium yesterday, which was amazing as usual! The baby beluga was so incredible and the obvious attachment of mother and child, even though they aren't able to hold onto one another, is very strong.
I found myself constantly noticing children who didn't look like their caregivers and I had to rethink that they could be their parent and not just a nanny, auntie, etc. It was a bit like being pregnant or trying to get pregnant and everywhere you go there are pregnant mothers and babies.
I wonder if the new child that comes into our life will have experienced things like our children have thus far. Will he have been to the science centre, aquarium, camping, beaches, etc.? Will she have been in ballet or swim class? Will he sit on my lap while we read stories? Will she be scared of our dogs? Will we be boring compared to life in a city, on a farm, or on the island.
Lots and lots of questions. I can't wait to learn the answers.

Initial Session - All Systems Go!

So we attended our first official adoption information session tonight and learned A LOT about what to expect in the coming months/year. We were quite fortuitous and got to meet our social worker, who's intelligence and honesty we really appreciated. Out of 3 couples we were the only with children in our home already.

There was a lot of talk about infertility that brought me back to the days we were trying to conceive our first and the emotional roller coaster of it all. We talked about adoption before we ever started treatment. We were quite comfortable with it then. I think that and both of our own histories around adoption make us very open and natural about the idea of expanding our family this way. The next step will be a series of Adoption Education classes (hopefully in May), then a 'home study' and then possibly placement of a child!

We didn't leave enough time to eat in our planning, and as such survived on Starbucks and pastries throughout the 3-hour evening meeting. By the time we got home (after 10) and chatted with our friend who'd stayed with the kids, we'd somehow forgotten entirely about eating - chatted a bit and went to bed - we woke up starving!

As we've already discussed our own boundaries and initial thoughts at length, we're excited to submit our initial application to adopt through the ministry and are eager about the journey ahead. We'll be learning and balancing a lot of options. Emotions have already been a factor for myself, and I'm sure there are many more highs and lows to come.

Side note: Obama was in Ottawa yesterday - good omen - proud to be AmeriCanadian

Labours of Love: Canadians Talk About Adoption by Deborah A. Brennan - A Book Review

Wow! I can't imagine what it took to compile this book both emotionally and physically. It includes perspectives from all sides of the adoption world. Adoptees, adoptive parents, step-adoptees, birthparents, social workers, private and public adoption... If adoption has touched your heart, this book will do the same.

Brennan pored her heart into this and it is clearly evident in the final product. The family stories could each stand beautifully on their own. She has a natural story-teller style and yet, journalistically stays true to the people who she's interviewed. 20 adoption stories and each one beautifully and simply told.

Each story brought me to tears, smiles and laughter and eager to read the next. Serving each story separately offers you the ability to pick the book up and put it down when you have a moment to spare in your hectic life. Additionally, each story has amazing pictures that really show the love of the diverse families she has chosen to feature.

The book completes with 7 professional perspectives on adoption, its history, and its future specifically in Canada, but relevant to all. These are again diverse in their opinions and focus. I finished this book feeling I had an amazing picture of adoption as a whole. Each story featured was unique, but with uniting themes of love and openness being key to the understanding of adoption. Should you pick it up for yourself, Dr. Michael Grand, one of the last professional accounts featured, has an amazing and unique understanding of adoption that resonates perfectly with my own experience.

As a 'step-adoptee' myself and now starting on the course of becoming an adoptive parent, it valued my own many emotions and personal connections with adoption. It certainly resonated with my own motherhood experience and the seemingly obvious concept that family is love and children from any background can't have too much of it.

As adoption in Canada and throughout the world continues to change, I hope Brennan will keep her finger on the pulse of those changes and continue to compile adoptions stories and compile yet another book of people's journeys toward family, openness, and love.

Martian Child - Go Rent It

How did I miss this when it was in the theatre? I picked it up after it was noted as an adoption resource. The beauty of the movie is that it's based on a true story and if you rent the DVD, they interview the real martian child, Dennis and his dad, David as one of the special features.

If you're a softy, you'll need a box of tissues. My 6-year-old watched it with me and loved it. He had great questions afterward and even sat with me again as I watched the commentaries for another 2-hours. When I took the DVD back to the rental store, he asked if we could buy it! Funny, we had rented Hulk as well, but he wanted to keep Martian Child - what a kid!

If you're looking for a fast mover, this isn't it, but the story is beautifully crafted and very insightful. I was never bored, but I was incredibly wrapped up in the story. The producers took great care to display the realities of the adoption process as well as the love that is formed between parent and child. On a simply human level, it will resonate with anyone who may have been a little different growing up - even if it was just in your own mind. You will love this weird little boy and maybe if you do have room in your life, it will open your mind to the possibilities.

Great intellectual humor and wit throughout. Rent it - I dare you!

Big Steps for Little People - Book Review

Big Steps for Little People: Parenting Your Adopted Child by Celia Foster

This is the first book I've read specifically about adoption and while it focuses on the adoption of older children with traumatic backgrounds, a lot of the basic feelings, emotions and behaviours seem to resonate with raising kids and adoption in general.

I chose it because it was very current (published in 2008) and focused on the 'techniques' of raising adopted children, so it would speak to my mind as well as my heart. Honestly, I think I was also subconsciously drawn to the title as one of the many 'waiting child' stories I've read was a child born with achondroplasia (dwarfism) and that story has stuck with me. It bothered me that achondroplasia is most significantly a difference in appearance and the thought that it would cause someone to give up a child saddens me. It seems equal to abandoning a child because of their sex or skin colour.

As for the book, I nearly put it down after chapter 3, but I was resolute to see it through and form a complete opinion of the book and its author. My issues were that Foster was relating very normal parenting struggles and childhood development issues and pinning the cause of each and every challenge to the boys' traumatic beginnings and directly to their birth mother. I was also bothered by what appeared to be an obsession with making each and every moment with the boys a counseling session or psychological 'project'. My final objection is that these boys are today adolescents and their journey is certainly far from over. I fear for Foster and the boys that there will be some further issues in the very clinical way she has chosen to parent. That said, she does very obviously loves the boys immensely and is very honest in her approach with them. I have faith that love and honesty can bring a child through anything. For that she gets my humble respect.

The techniques throughout the book are solid and could be applied with children from various upbringings. Foster's application of adoption course material and child development knowledge is impressive. In her discussion about forgiving birth parents, I find her points to be correct, but I got the feeling that while she encourages her boys to forgive; I don't think she has forgiven the birth mother herself. As a protective mother, she doesn't have to. Perhaps her time to truly forgive is when the boys are more fully healed. She does lend some advice to her oldest son that I think may shed some light on her current state of forgiveness, "Fake it till you make it." My feeling is that she is 'faking' her own forgiveness until such time as she is truly able to forgive the birth mother for the harm she has caused her children.

Finally, at chapter 11, I was happy I'd continued reading. Foster talks here about considering this point as the opening of her book... I wish she had. I fear that other parents may have the same reaction I did to her text book approach and may not make it to chapter 11. Here she finally talks about the emotional struggle and the reality that there will be failures in the endeavour to raise children and the honest fact that you will likely question, doubt, and blame yourself when times are tough. She also reflects on her own 'normal' childhood and recognizes that as humans we all have issues to resolve and hurdles to overcome.

I'm glad that I finished Foster's book, but it was much like watching a show with a cliffhanger ending. I hope she writes another in ten years when the boys are grown and working on their own adulthoods. Better yet, perhaps the boys will decide to write. I think their honest reflections on adoption would be a great insight into the emotions of adopted children and the effects of love vs. technique in parenting your adopted child.

We should be well into our own experience by that time and I'd love to have an insight into what to expect.

My Own Adoption

So I really thought my own adoption irrelevant to the consideration of a 'real adoption,' but I do keep thinking about it and so I thought I'd write. Keeping in mind that my story is connected to other people and their emotions and boundaries, I've edited a lot, but the writing in itself was cathartic. Following are just some of my thoughts.

First, my mom's my mom; mom, mother, birth mom (all of them). If you know me, and have ever met her; you know we share more than a majority of our DNA. She was/is a pretty fantastic mother. The most brave, amazing and unselfish thing she ever did was leave my father - I was 6.

I remember bits of bizarre imagery, but not a lot is clear about my early childhood. I'm sure it's all much more vivid for my brother, but we don't talk about it. I hope someday we will, but I don't want to force my own emotions on someone who's successfully dealt with it and moved on. My husband is amazing in that way for me. I think he's my personal psychologist - with great benefits!

I was 8 when my mom met my dad. I was 9 when they got married. By that time our father rarely visited. I can remember talking with my parents about dad adopting us and I can remember how excited I was to have a normal family.

We changed our last name - I can remember talking about it before we started the school year and I remember it wasn't a big deal to me. I do wonder what that was like for our father.

Dad had to start parenting at a pretty difficult stage and as I now read adoption stories and books about parenting adopted children, I realize even more how great a sacrifice he made for us and how difficult it must have been. He's adopted himself, so I don't think he thought about it as much of a 'cross to bear'. It was just the way our family happened to come together.

Milestones have always been the hardest for me. I always wanted to invite my father with this ridiculous hope that he would suddenly be a normal dad. Mom of course always knew it would end up being more hurtful than good, but I would insist. It never went well. Mom just wanted to protect me and I would end up angry at her.

When I married Michael it was the hardest decision of the wedding for me. Who would walk me down to aisle? Although Dad must have been hurt, he left it up to me, which is his usual way. In the end Dad walked me down the aisle and we danced to Brad Paisley's, He Didn't Have to Be. The song still makes me cry and I know I made the right decision.

We brought the kids to meet my father - a strange experience I don't want to repeat. I always send extra pictures of the kids to my grandmother for him. I'm not sure what he thinks of that. If he were ever to get in touch I'd be happy for it, but I'm okay with how it is now. I don't hate him, but I don't understand him. In many ways I feel sorry for him. I do worry that I'll get a call someday that he's gone and I'm not sure how I'll feel.

I had to present my adoption papers when we immigrated to Canada and I was shocked by the language. I couldn't imagine a birthparent signing that document. I think it's the most selfless thing Dad ever did. I haven't yet gotten to the point where I give my father any credit for it, although it must have been hard and it did certainly provide me with a much better and more stable life.

I've always believed that a person's history is so important to the person they become - it's how you deal with that history that makes the difference and for me closing the door isn't dealing with it and so I write.

Wanting Another Baby... Adoption?

So yes I hit 30+ and our youngest starts kindergarten next year. Hubby has a vasectomy and I want another child!


Our first followed fertility due to some complications on both sides and number two oh so quickly followed (20 months apart). We tried less permanent birth control including pills and IUD, but more medical complications and lots of emotions, so when the youngest hit 1, hubby went in for a consultation that ended less than an hour later with a vasectomy due to a cancellation. We didn't regret it at the time.

As the infant/toddler years are full of energy and changes life went fast and I rarely thought about the prospect of another child, but then the oldest started kindergarten and the youngest is registered to start next year and I'm realizing that the intention of having a child later was not about the perfect number of children, but about the people we would be and the commitment we'd be able to provide a child at this stage of our life.

So after some very stunted conversations around vasectomy reversal and realization that our past fertility issues are likely still issues and the procedure could very well be for not, we started talking adoption. We started reading bios of children needing homes here in CA and now it's all I think about.

I think my best parenting skill is supporting the kids in discovery and acceptance of themselves. We're very open-minded and we think we're raising the kids to be as well. So far, so good.

We're scheduled for an adoption information session next Thursday and are hoping to finally learn more about the children who need families. So far, internet research, bcadoption website, an official BCadoption packet, and two talks with assigned social workers have not given what I'd call a warm or cold response. All of the material talk about how badly kids need homes (more than 1000 kids in BC) - yet the bios are sometimes two years old and include less vital information than some animal adoption ads I've written! : ( The NPO manager in me wants to ask if they have any idea how poorly they're kids are being advocated for. That said, resources are likely slim and there are likely lots of people who inquire that never adopt.


For now we have all of our paperwork in order and are eagerly anticipating Thursday's session. I'm reading a book, "Big Steps for Little People - Parenting Your Adopted Child" - It's an interesting insight from an author who clearly thinks she has all of the answers from her very limited experience. A lot of very typical kid behaviours and issues pinned on the fact that kids are adopted and 'traumatized' - she does handle her children in a lot the same way we handle ours - lots of honest talk and consistent consequences, so I'm committed to finish it before I make a final assessment.


We've decided to go into this with clear boundaries - we do already have two amazing children, so it needs to work with what our family can reasonably and genuinely give of ourselves.


We recognize that we are a 'thinking' family - we enjoy museums, trivia games, reading, theatre, the arts, high level conversation, etc.
For this reason, we don't think we would be a good match for severe intellectual disability - this is not to say that a development delay such as speech would be a barrier.


We recognize that we are a peaceful and low-drama family and believe this is part of what we offer a waiting child.
For this reason, we are not interested in open adoption, but will consider semi-openness and of course raise the child knowing that they were 'hand-chosen' by us.


We are open to any ethnic background and any gender.
We are open to children younger than our youngest (under 4) - this is also good for development as children are much more set in who they are and what behaviours the display by age 6.
We are open to a sibling pair, but really think concentrating on one new child is best for us and them.
We are open to physical disability or irregularity.
We are open to hearing/vision impairment.
We are open to most behavioural issues.
We are of course open to the unknown, as you would be in any natural birth and will take each day as it comes.
We look forward to supporting any child that comes to us through to college, into independence and beyond.


We realize that this decision will change our children's lives (all of them) as well as ours considerably, and we realize that we possibly burden our extended family with the request to love someone differently and possibly 'bigger' than we have yet loved before... but don't we do that with every limb we add to the family tree - and Marshalls are certainly used to this!


Mom, you said you always wanted 14 - and we're working hard to get you there : )


Thank you for being interested in our journey - we look forward to your thoughts and comments.